Hearts: A Powerful Relationship Building Game

One of my favorite, most versatile, and most effective communication tool is one my wife and I created called Hearts.

For many years when friends of ours got married, we gave them two gifts: one from their gift registry, and the second was a deck of cards. We always gave the cards to them personally, along with an explanation of how to use them.

Renée introduced this communication tool to us to manage the differences in how we dealt
with conflict. I liked debating and was very comfortable with conflict. Renée, on the other hand, came into our marriage with a conflict-avoidance style but an understanding of the importance of dealing with conflict when it arose. The Hearts card game allowed her to manage her discomfort with conflict without avoiding it.

The game is very simple. It works like this: whoever has an issue to discuss finds a mutually convenient time to play. The rules are as follows:

1. The person who suggested we play shuffles and deals the card.

2.  The dealer states the topic of the game (i.e. issues to be discussed) and gets to ask the first question prior to revealing any cards.

3.  Both parties agree to answer all questions honestly.

4.  No one can change the topic (a new topic requires a new game).

After the first question is asked and answered, the dealer deals the first card to the other person and alternates until a heart is dealt. Whoever gets the heart gets to ask the follow-up question. This process continues until the entire deck is exhausted. If you get through the entire deck and either party still has questions, you can reshuffle the deck and continue, but only if both parties agree. Otherwise, you take a break and come back together later to continue discussing the issue. 

We know this game sounds very simplistic—maybe even childish—but it works. We’ve had couples tell us everything, from they love the game to it saved their marriage. This simple game of Hearts works because it models our 7 Principles of Effective Communication.

7 Principles of Effective Communication 1. Speak from your heart. We named this tool “Hearts” because it requires you to be honest in your questions and answers. 2. Listen as much as you talk. It has been said that it is not a coincidence that we have two ears and one mouth. We should be listening twice as much as we talk. This tool requires you to listen respectfully. 3. Manage your emotions. This tool does that by slowing down the communication and by ensuring only one person is speaking at a time. After an answer is given, it may be a few cards before the next heart is dealt. This gives both parties time to reflect on the conversation, the answers, the information—to breathe. 4. Respect the communication style of others. Whether you love conflict or hate it, this tool gives you a structured way to deal with it. 5. Deal with one issue at a time. Each game of Hearts is designed to discuss one issue that is on the heart of the person initiating the game. Neither party can change the topic. 6. Make communicating a regular practice. Because the process works no matter what your style of communication or level of comfort with conflict, we find that couples have those difficult conversations more often than they would if they had no process. 7. No subject is taboo. This is a big one because it establishes open, honest communication as a value at the start of the relationship. If you know day one that anything you do or say will see the light of day, it influences what you do and say throughout the lifetime of the relationship. Hearts may seem like a modest tool, but its impact is anything but. By giving couples a structured way to approach communication, it fosters trust, understanding, and intimacy. Couples who have used Hearts often tell us it has deepened their connection, helping them face challenges together with openness and honesty. At its core, Hearts is about creating a safe space where both partners can speak from their hearts, listen with empathy, and tackle tough topics one conversation at a time. We’re grateful to see how this simple card game continues to transform relationships, reminding us that communication, when approached with intention and care, truly is the heart of a lasting partnership.