4 Tips for Building Trusting Relationships

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"If I had to select one thing I feel contributed most to our happy marriage, I would say it was the fact that we had trusting relationships (I trusted her, and she trusted me). Now, of course, on a scale of one to ten, it was not always a ten, but it was always very high."

 

 

The statement above is a quote from my book "Growing Into Your Parenting Role". It highlights the lesson I learned about the important role trust plays in relationships.

 

Think about it: do you have any lifelong friends you cannot trust? You have friends who are vastly different from you. They may have habits you personally disapprove of. Behavior you would never exhibit. Tell jokes that make you cringe, or personal/political beliefs that are just the opposite of yours. All these things you can accept. But trust is usually nonnegotiable.

 

 

How Trust Allowed Me to Play Basketball for A Lifetime

 

As a young adult I fell in love with basketball . It was not uncommon for me to play two to three times a week, every week. With each outing, I would be gone for three hours or more. This love of basketball lasted a lifetime. Even in my retirement, I still play basketball once or twice a week.

When I played during the week, it would be in the evenings after work. On weekends, it was typically early mornings (as early as six a.m.). There were even times I played midnight basketball, leaving home at eleven p.m., and returning at about three a.m.

I knew early on that basketball was going to be a lifelong passion, and I didn’t want to do anything to screw it up. I had a basketball buddy who abruptly stopped playing. When I asked him why, he told me his wife figured out that sometimes when he told her he was going to play basketball, he was actually going to see his lady on the side.

His story got me to thinking about whether I was willing to give up two lifetime passions (basketball and Renée) for a few minutes of pleasure. I concluded I was not willing to make that trade. So, I decided if I told Renée I was going to play basketball, I would be playing basketball. I did not make a pronouncement of this fact; I just knew I would not be able to maintain a lie. You see, she knew me too well.

4 Tips for Building Trusting Relationships

 

If we are honest with ourselves, we will all agree that it is nearly impossible to go through life without lying. Your goal should not be perfection but eliminating lying and deception as a part of your behavioral style - to make the conscious decision not to have certain behavior as a part of who you are. When you do this, being trustworthy is not just what you do, it’s who you are.

A commitment to honesty/truth often has immediate benefits. The relationship seems easier, more enjoyable. Life often seems easier and less stressful. That’s because you are not spending energy concocting stories to support the lies. It’s a lot easier to be consistent with the truth than with a lie.

Here are a few tips of things you can do to get there:

 

Tip 1: Make honesty/truth a relationship/family value.

Discuss what it means to each of you. Develop a “value statement” about truth/honesty that will be easy to remember (e.g. “We value truth and truth adds value to our lives.”).

 

 

Tip 2: Remember, your body language will tell the truth even when your mouth does not.

Researchers have determined that more than 50 percent of our communication is in our body language, 38 percent is in our tone, and only 7 percent is in the words.

 

People who know you well (like your parents, your spouse / partner) have learned how to read your body language and tone. When the message from these two conflict with the words, our minds are conditioned to believe the body language and tone over the words being spoken.

  

 

Tip 3: Think through the long-term consequences of actions before embarking on them, especially if the actions seem to conflict with your values. 

Remember that every lie, deception, or action contrary to your values leaves a permanent scar. 

 

 

Tip 4: Change your ways.  If honesty/truth has not been a staple of your relationship to this point, it’s not too late to start. However, you will need to do several things to be believed:

• Apologize sincerely.
• Don’t just say you are going to change. Explain the earth-shattering event that has moved you to this new/renewed commitment to honesty/truth.
• Ask your spouse / partner what you can stop, start, and/or continue doing to prove you have changed.
• Find something positive/healthy to replace the thing(s) that drove you to not being honest.
• Remember, it will take time to rebuild trust. In the meanwhile, be patient and be consistent.

 

Conclusion

 

Trust is critical because it is the foundation on which the entire relationship is built. In your relationship with your partner, it may have been infatuation that brought the two of you together, but it is trust that will sustain you through the years.

 

If five, ten, or fifteen years into the relationship you are saying to yourself you thought things would be better, one reason they’re not better may be because of the erosion of trust caused by little and big lies over the years.

Even if you have “given up your lying ways” and have committed yourself fully to the relationship, it may take awhile for your partner to believe you because the seeds of doubt have been planted from the previous lies. But hang in there. As they say, “your actions speak louder than your words”.

A commitment to honesty/truth has benefits. The relationship will seem easier, more enjoyable. Life often will seem easier and less stressful. That is because you are not spending energy concocting stories to support the lies. It’s a lot easier to be consistent with the truth than with a lie.