Dancing Rain: The Power of Your Words As A Parent

 

"Most parents have no idea of the power their words have in the lives of

their children. I learned that lesson in my early years as a parent."

Dancing Rain

Renée and I were taking a road trip from Atlanta to Chicago. I was driving, and our three-year-old daughter was in the back seat behind me. The forecast was for rain, and unfortunately, it was very accurate. As the rain fell harder, I turned the windshield wipers up higher and higher.

Trying to break the monotony, I took notice of the wiper blades washing the rain off my front window. It was nicely cascading down the window on my door. It looked like it was dancing down my window. I called back to my three-year-old and said, “Look, Dionne, I have dancing rain.” I smiled and chuckled and turned my attention back to driving in the rain.

About five minutes passed and Renée (in the passenger seat up front) noticed she had not heard any stirring from our daughter in the back. She turned and noticed Dionne silently crying. She asked, “Dionne . . . what’s wrong?”

Dionne responded, “I don’t have no dancing rain.” 

My stomach dropped as Renée worked to console our child. I was hurt by the fact that my attempt at humor had such a negative impact on my young child. It was hours before my emotions settled down and I was able to enjoy the rest of the trip. Dionne settled down, as well, but the innocent incident left a permanent scar. Forty years later, my grown daughter cannot tell the “dancing rain” story without tearing up.

The “dancing rain” incident helped shape our parenting style. We knew firsthand the power our words and actions had on our kids.

If an innocent comment delivered as a joke could have such a powerful and lasting impact, we could only imagine how much more powerful hurtful words spoken deliberately (or hurtful actions) would be. We decided then that we would focus our attention on giving our children positive feedback, and to use a coaching/mentoring style to provide constructive feedback

It worked for us, and it will work for you.

Understanding the Problem: The Feedback Cycle

As I reflected on the “dancing rain” incident, I thought about my own childhood and all the negative comments I received from my parents. I even took it one step further and made a list of the impactful negative comments I remembered and a separate list of the impactful positive comments. My negative list was much longer than my positive list. More importantly, reflecting on the negative list invoked more emotion than the positive list, indicating the items on that list probably had a more profound impact on shaping who I am today.

I challenge each of you to do this activity. Make your own list of positive and negative comments from your parents. For most of you, the results will be like mine. When researchers asked preteen and teen kids what their parents approved and disapproved of about them, they consistently got longer lists of disapprovals from the kids.

Now, take a critical look at the type of feedback you give your children. If you don’t have children yet, think about significant others in your life. Do the positive/negative-comments test and see if you have blindly adopted the style your parents used. If their style was more negative than positive, yours is probably the same; however, it doesn’t have to stay that way.

Breaking the Cycle

Not everyone reading this chapter will need to make changes in how they provide feedback to their kids; however, if you are in the group seeking innovative ideas, the following tips will help.

1.   Recognize the power of your words. Some of you had your down “dancing rain” experience as a child. You know your parents did not mean any harm in what they did or said, but the pain is still real. Tell yourself, “I will do better,” and commit to doing just that. Start today to eliminate the negative, personal comments you make about/to your children. Comments like:

 

·       “You are never gonna amount to anything”

·       “You’ve always been nothing but trouble”

·       “You’ve got to be the laziest child in the house”

·       “I’m ashamed to take you anywhere”

·       “If you had any sense, you would/would not have . . . ”

 

2.    Practice giving positive feedback consistently. Flood your child/children with positive, uplifting statements delivered with sincerity. We have attached a list of “Sixty-Six Positive Things to Say to Your Child.” We could not track down the original source for the list, but we love it. There will be things on the list you just cannot see yourself saying. Start by identifying just six statements you will incorporate into the feedback you give your child/children. My favorite positive feedback statement is “Thank you!” When I ask my kids or grandkids to do something and they respond by doing it, I say, “Thank you!”

 

·       “Don’t play with my phone. Thank you!”

·       “Please pick up that toy and put it where it belongs. Thank you!”

·       “Go back and close that door. Thank you!”

·       “Please make sure you finish your Saturday-morning work before you turn on the TV or video game. Thank you!”

      In return, I see them gladly doing what I ask with a smile on their face. I believe they respond so positively just to get that positive feedback.

3.     Practice positive feedback with/on your parenting team members. Practice will help everyone on the parenting team become experts in giving positive feedback once the task is done. In addition, it will allow your kids to see their parents modeling behavior you want them to exhibit. Also, it will ensure the children receive a similar parenting experience, no matter which parenting team member they are interacting with.

Another added benefit of practicing with your parenting team members is that you will improve your relationship with them. They need positive feedback, too! Psychologists have identified positive feedback as one of the most effective tools for building self-esteem. It also has a positive impact on trust, communication, teamwork, the ability to manage conflict, and many other issues critical to being an effective parenting team member.

 

4.     Monitor the impact. Take note of the positive changes in the behavior of your child (and parenting partners) after you incorporate positive feedback into your parenting style. The goal is to make giving positive feedback (and avoiding negative feedback) a habit—a part of who you are and how you are. Habits are formed through repetition, and it is easy to repeat something if you see that it is having the desired effect.

Before you make any changes, take note of what you currently do and how your child/parenting team member responds. Then, introduce one or more of the positive feedback statements from the list of sixty-six. Use it consistently, but appropriately (i.e., with sincerity) for a few weeks. Afterward, take note of differences in responses from the recipient.

• Are they responding positively more often?
• Do you have to remind them less frequently to comply?
• Has their attitude about doing whatever improved?
• Has your relationship with the individual improved?

 If you see positive results, try a few more of the positive feedback statements. If you don’t see a change, pick another statement to try (or write your own) for the next test. We guarantee you, many of them will work for you.