4 Stages of Mentor Coach Parenting

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In a previous post, I made a passionate plea for parents to abandon spanking as a behavior modification tool and adopt a mentor/coach parenting style instead. If you’re ready to try it, let me assure you that making this shift may not be as hard as you think.

My wife and I experimented with this approach for just a few months before we were convinced it was a better way to raise our children. Our mentor/coach approach was built around asking questions and allowing the child to "discover" solutions.

Years later, when I authored my book "Growing Into Your Parenting Role," it was comforting to realize that we had discovered a mentor/coach process early in our parenting journey that aligned with expert recommendations. I want to teach you what I learned.

Taking The First Step

Transitioning to a mentor/coach parenting style may seem daunting. Correcting behavior through questions instead of commands will require a significant shift in behavior and possibly personality. This change might make you uncomfortable, and you may feel as though you are losing some control. 

However, nothing could be further from the truth. Your goals for your children remain the same, and the values you wish to instill will not change. The only difference will be in the tools and techniques you use to achieve those goals.

Trust me, the biggest loss you will experience will be the pain and aggravation that so many parents and children endure from parenting techniques that do not serve either of them well.

Four Stages of the Mentor Coach Process

Transitioning to a mentor/coach parenting style involves guiding your child through a series of thoughtful questions and discussions rather than simply giving commands. This approach not only helps children develop critical thinking skills but also fosters a deeper understanding of their actions and decisions. Below, I outline a four-stage process to effectively implement this mentoring style, ensuring a constructive and nurturing environment for both you and your child.

Stage 1: Questioning: Begin by asking questions that require your child to examine all aspects of the situation (what, why, how, etc.). Your questions should help you develop a more complete understanding of the situation. 

  • "What happened?"
  • "Help me understand what the problem is."
  • "Is that the whole problem?" 

Stage 2: Self-Discovery: Allow your child to answer questions that provide you additional insights into their actions. The goal is to teach them critical thinking skills, particularly to think before you act. Avoid leading questions that suggest the answer or direct them toward a particular response (e.g., "Shouldn't you have put the top on first?").

  • "What were/are you trying to accomplish?"
  • "What have you tried?"
  • "Why did it not work?"

Stage 3: Developing Solutions: Guide your child to identify alternative ways they could have dealt with the situation or could handle similar situations in the future.

  • "What other possible solutions have you considered?"
  • "Which solution do you think will work best and why?"
  • "Walk me step-by-step through how you are going to implement that solution?"
  • "What is the best thing that could happen with this choice?"
  • "What is the worst thing that could happen, and can you live with that?"

Stage 4: Providing Feedback: Offer insights on the situation, not solutions. This is a good point to share your experiences with similar situations, how you struggled with finding a solution, and how you eventually found a solution that worked.



Tips for Making the Change to Mentor Coach Parenting 

If mentoring and coaching your children has not been your experience, you may find it a bit more challenging to shift to a mentor/coach parenting style. Adopting the mentor/coach parenting style will require you to:

  •  Give up yelling, hitting, berating
  • Focus on positive reinforcement
  •  Give honest, candid feedback
  • Empower your children to make good decisions
  • Teach independence
  • Learn how to ask open-ended questions
  • Listen with empathy
  • See situations from the child’s point of view while providing feedback from your informed perspective
  • Be patient
  • Be calm (i.e., maintain your composure and not lose your temper)
  • Observe behavior
  • Challenge your children to critically examine their attitudes, beliefs, behavior, and values, and to develop new ones that will better help them reach their goals
  • Hold your children responsible and accountable
  • Share your wisdom, knowledge, experiences sparingly
  • Talk about your mistakes in addition to your successes
  • Shape the values and behaviors of your children
  • Provide insight into how to make decisions, resolve conflict, support others, and forgive
  • Be a role model informed decision making

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